Thinking and thinking

So, I'm just jotting down some feelings real quick so whoever reads just bare with me.... first off, I know I always write when I have things on my mind but who doesn't. It helps. I'm so tired, tired of everything, tired of working two jobs. It's exhausting, people around me tend to talk negative all the time and now it's got me doing it today. I had the most horrible morning, funny but horrible. I won't go into details but I made it through my day until now. I guess, sometimes I know where my dreams are but they seem so far away. I'm tired of working and stressing about both of my jobs. I know, I do a good job but sometimes it never feels good enough, you know. I never say... "Wow, Samantha you are doing it. I am proud of me." I know, I beat myself up especially when I am all alone in my place.

I have products everywhere, sometimes I can't escape it. My job is also at home. It invades my life and my space. Sometimes, I wonder what if I would stop leading meetings, helping others, just have one job, one life... would I be okay? Would I be happy with that or would I regret it? I work every single day, no one day off. My place is like a "Clean House" episode. Things piled up, papers lost in the mess, a closet that has clothes flowing out of it, etc, etc.... I try to put everything all together but my mind is a clutter like my apartment is.

I know, I'm getting overwhelmed, but wow what does one do when you never have enough hours in the day? You never have enough time to do what you want to do. I know, I need a mini-makeover of this place, my mind, and even just my thought process. I try to attend my meetings like I used to but then that back-fires and I end up helping or people ask me questions.

Sometimes, I just want to be a stranger in a crowd, that new member that no one knows. I miss that, I miss being rewarded for getting through the week without going to that food in my fridge to eat. It's hard helping others it really is when there is no one to help me. I feel lost in the clutter, and I've felt this way for awhile now.