Back into the routine but thinking lots...

Well, I haven't forgotten about this blog. I was very ill last week beginning Friday so for the whole weekend I was indoors trying to recover from the sickness that is going around. Everyone has had it, so it was only a little amount of time until it was my turn too. Well, I've been thinking a lot actually.... what about you say.... writing... I miss it, I miss it a lot actually. I think about everything I write and track for Weight Watchers, and I can't believe that I still never write down my thoughts about things. It's been real tough lately, not too much with my life just everyone else's. I just seem to miss out on a lot. There is so much I still want but it seems so far away.

Take most of my friend's that I know, everyone is married, everyone... I even created some wedding invitations (featured in the picture, pretty neat huh, yep made them for the bride, a good friend of mine from Terre Haute) for a wedding. I guess, I felt more part of that special day, so I didn't think so much like I have been. I mean anytime I look around I see these amazing rings. And, I think wow, they are so lucky to be planning that day, that special day. They get to spend their lives together with one another and take those wedding vows. At first, I thought, that is something I want one day. I want all those things. I want kids, the dress, the house, that wonderful husband, etc.... Pretty much everything. But, what happens when I've seen someone have that all and it doesn't work.

I just wish at times I had that faith, hope, and trust that I am good enough to be with. I doubt myself a lot. I don't spend a lot of time with friends and such, since they have their own lives but it's hard. It's real hard knowing they have all these things I want and my brother had. It's just like I don't know how to feel about everything.

Sure, I get scared a lot of times. I am scared of everything, what if I one day I get asked that question....that question of marriage, how do I know if it's right? I may have a panic attack, of shock, lol. Will that person give up and leave one day? Will I get stuck not knowing where to turn? Will I be able to give my all and make it work?

The fears I have are the exact same about living with someone. Little pet peeves drive me crazy. I'm like my mom, in the sense. It just drives me crazy, certain things, but will I grow past those and love the person I am living with enough to not pay attention to those little things? I think people will always have little pet peeves but working on them and past those are the key.

When I go out with certain people like my fellow WW buddies. And, they just get me thinking, that I really need to focus on the whole picture, yet I still fear a lot. Maybe, that's okay to fear things since last year I barely got out of the holiday's okay and all. It's just a lot to absorb with everyone getting married and everyone getting divorced. Even everyone from my past, is married with children and I wonder.... Did I do something wrong? They also have what I dream of. In December, I can't help but wondering will it ever be my time? My time for that white dress, that special day, etc... Doubting myself and if I will ever have what I have always dreamed of and wanted. I keep remembering those words Christy once told me in Orlando on our internship.... "Sam, everything happens for a reason." Maybe, that day will come, it is something I still dream about.